The abandonment wound in romantic relationships (Part 1)

Contrary to reputation, unicorns ARE real. They do exist. They exist as adults who were raised in the perfect balance of love, challenge, care and nurturing, and enter the world of romantic relationships with seamless ease. These rarities do not need to battle continuously with the abandonment wound whilst trying to navigate the often complicated world of romantic relating. Good for them. For the rest of us, the abandonment wound is a very real phenomenon. It shows up constantly, in all environments, but it's favorite food undoubtedly is the romantic relationship. This provides a hotbed for all those old traumas to arise, be projected outwards, and to gouge at the scars of the wounds they originally created. This hurts! In 2025, many people's response to this pain is to run away. It is less scary to be back on Tinder mindlessly scrolling than it is to face the pain of actually relating.

This wound can very much keep you out of relationships. But what does it look like if you're in a relationship, and the abandonment wound is rearing it's ugly head? It's important at this point to cover some therapeutic basics. In today's 'Instagram Therapy' world, many of you reading this will already be familiar with the term, 'attachment styles.' Still, a short potted history is important here.

Attachment theory came out of the work of John Bowlby, and theorizes that the degree to which an infant is able to attach to their primary caregivers has a direct psychological impact on how they will approach all relationships in the future. Furthermore, Bowlby theorized that if this attachment was not securely created, then a number of different coping strategies would begin to formulate, and that these would represent a person's 'attachment style' later in life. The most common of these are: anxious attachment; avoidant attachment; and disorganized attachment. Let's now go through each of these, and what behaviors each one tends to manifest in an individual attempting to relate closely to another human being.

Anxious attachment style is characterized by a constant need to be emotionally close to the point of invasive with a loved one. A person manifesting this attachment style will present as very needy, very clingy, and will constantly be pre-occupied with the emotional state of the other, feeling that they cannot be ok unless the other person is also ok.

Conversely, avoidant attachment style is characterized by a closing down, a 'running away' as a pattern of coping, especially during times of conflict. The mindset of the avoidant personality is, 'I'm safer by myself, I don't need anybody else.'

Disorganized attachment style represents a fusing of the two styles previously mentioned. Someone with a disorganized attachment style will oscillate between a push-pull dynamic, wanting closeness but often rejecting it, causing confusion and giving off highly mixed signals, exactly what they experienced as an infant and young child.

There is much more that could be said about attachment theory. After all, whole books have been written about it. But this is a good basic framework for discussing exactly what these different aspects of attachment look like, how they show up as dysfunction, and most importantly how to resolve some of these issues.

Perhaps the most common dynamic in a relationship setting is a partnership between one person with an anxious attachment style and another partner with an avoidant attachment style. The manifestation of these wounds shows up in a multitude of ways. When things are going smoothly of course there is not too much of a problem. These wounds rear their ugly head during times of conflict. It can start as something seemingly small, at least for one participant, but it can rapidly mushroom into something much more intense. In order to elucidate what is happening, we'll take a fictional example and look at it from an objective perspective, before looking at it from the experience of each individual in the example, in an attempt to bring to light how these wounds can escalate situations beyond their starting point. Finally we'll look at ways in which this particular example could be approached differently in healed individuals. Stay tuned for part 2 coming soon!

If you want to book a consultation to talk more about how these kinds of issues are affecting your relationship, click here.

About The Author

Duncan Collins is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing virtual therapy sessions in California and Florida. He is trained in multiple modalities of therapy including Gestalt therapy and Couples therapy. He provides a supportive environment for clients looking to break destructive patterns and experience REAL healing.