The abandonment wound in romantic relationships (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this blog, we looked at the common attachment styles, and the ways in which they can manifest and cause chaos in a relational setting. For a refresher, click here. Now we're going to look at an in-depth fictional example to bring some of these patterns more to life, and clarify what this can look like moment by moment.

In our fictional example there is a man called Roy, who is several months into a relationship with a woman called Jenny. Things have been going great, attraction levels are high, conversation flows, and they operate vibrantly in each other's company. They've recently made the leap to move in together, and things have been going great on that front too. Although there's been some minor emotional skirmishes, these positive aspects have always superceded any discomfort. But then a day comes when something changes. Roy has had a hard day at work, and is irritable and distant when he gets home. Jenny, who works from home, has been feeling unusually lonely today, and is more keen than usual for Roy to get home. Her attempts to enthusiastically engage him are met with indifference and emotional distance. Roy just wants to sit on his phone, and tune out. Jenny begins to resentfully make dinner, and Roy remains checked out. When it is time to eat, usually a time when conversations flows and deep connection occurs, Roy continues to be distant, monosyllabic, and unengaged. Towards the end of the meal, Jenny has had enough. Her resentment escalates into fury, and she begins to speak louder and louder before launching a high velocity verbal outburst directed at Roy. Roy avoids eye contact, and after time gets up and walks away into the other room. But Jenny's not done being heard in her frustration, and follows him into the room continuing at the same velocity. After a period of time, Roy finally breaks his silence with a simple statement: 'I don't need to listen to this shit', and grabs his keys heading for the door. Jenny is still not done, and blocks the way. Roy himself becomes heated, and yells at her to get out of the way. He eventually barges his way through. Jenny runs out, and is no longer angry. Now she is crying, and begs him not to leave as he climbs in the car and backs out of the driveway rapidly. He drives off, leaving her left crying on the driveway. The night ahead is one of the most restless of her entire life. She cries desperately, she sends message after message begging to be responded to, asking for reassurance that they are ok, she even considers calling the police to make sure that Roy is ok. The silence remains until the morning, until Roy finally comes home. At this point the anger and sadness has been taken over by deep gratitude that he is back, and reconciliatory talks begin again. Both apologize, both reconnect physically and emotionally, and all is back to being wonderful. Until next time...

Let's look at this scenario first of all from Roy's perspective. Roy, as you may have already guessed, is a classic avoidant attachment style. Roy learned growing up that his needs, especially emotionally, were not important in the business of a bustling family, and he learned to deal with things by himself, to avoid closeness in conflict, and to stay away from it wherever possible. Roy is used to being alone a lot in his life, and tends to withdraw emotionally when conflict is present. Roy is not used to emotional closeness, and feels overwhelmed and confused by the intensity of his partner's emotions in incidents like this. His mind fills with 'cut and run' ideas: 'I didn't sign up for this shit; this isn't worth it; I'm better off by myself; this is so much drama, I don't need this.' As the intensity increases, the desire to get the hell out becomes overwhelming, all Roy can think about now is getting far, far away as quickly as possible. As he drives away, a wave of relief overtakes him. He spends the night at a friend's house, romanticizing ideas of breaking away and being single again. In time, as the hours pass, and his need to run as far as possible lessens, he begins to return to an emotional status quo, and realizes that he is ready for reconciliation.

Now let's look at this incident from Jenny's perspective. Jenny has an anxious attachment style. As a child, she was not taught how to deal with her own anxiety, but had parents who rushed in to rescue her whenever she had emotions. She learned that claustrophobic closeness is love, and that she didn't have to deal with the discomfort of asking directly for what she needs because her anxious parents were constantly checking in with her. Now as an adult, faced with a partner who does not notice when she is invisibly suffering, she does not know how to make this clear. Therefore she lets it build and build until it reaches an explosive level. Her explosion is her way of asking for help, since this is what worked when she was a child. When this doesn't work, she doubles down and triples down. The desire to have her partner come close has now become a need. She needs the closeness to calm down because she doesn't know how to do it herself. When Roy's refusal to comfort her escalates to him leaving, Jenny goes into blind panic. Her mind races as she assumes that this leaving is a permanent abandonment. She attempts all night to figure out how to get him to return, all without success. By the time he does return the next day, all anger has gone, and she is simply desperate to repair and return to status quo, internally and externally.

So, does this situation have to go this way? Are these insurmountable emotional handicaps that make it impossible to navigate such an ordeal differently for both? The answer is no. These kinds of differences in relationship are common, but they can be navigated in a way that minimizes drams, increases closeness, and ultimately strengthens the relationship rather than depleting it.

How is this possible? I can show you. I have guided countless couples through a process that takes them from this place of desperate division to a place of harmonious honoring of the needs of both individuals and the needs of the relationship. If you are struggling with these kinds of challenges in your relationship, reach out now. IT ISN'T GOING TO GET BETTER BY ITSELF. You need help. Book a consultation call here to learn more.

About The Author

Duncan Collins is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing virtual therapy sessions in California and Florida. He is trained in multiple modalities of therapy including Gestalt therapy and Couples therapy. He provides a supportive environment for clients looking to break destructive patterns and experience REAL healing.